Thank you, Gilmore Girls.

I thank those Gilmore Girls for helping me create a strong bond with my daughter and the opportunity to reflect on one of the most important relationships in my life. Go figure.  A show about a single mom and her "more-grown-up-than-her-mom-is" daughter who live in the 'perfect' small town. Oh, and they eat only junk food and yet, stay healthy.  Granted, not much reality-based storyline going on here, and certainly my own relationship with my kid doesn't look like it, but it did create an opportunity for the two of us to really connect.

My closest, most loving relationship is with my 11 year old (going on 27) daughter, Lila.  She teaches me so much through our relationship.  Together, we learn how much we suck as humans, how loving we are to others, and how to question life experience in a way to better understand our faults and our gifts.  We teach each other - in different ways - but we are both teacher and student to one another.  It is in this relationship that I have begun to learn how to be vulnerable, to be present, to be compassionate, to use boundaries, and to know love.

Netflix released the series, The Gilmore Girls, about a year ago.  I never watched it when it was broadcasting on 'real' television. When I heard it was available to watch online, I thought it might be fun to watch it with Lila.  It quickly became our Friday night ritual that included pizza, french fries and popcorn (just like Lorelai and Rory).  We enjoyed our own post-show analysis that included 'what was Luke thinking?' and how the storyline was pretty much made up. But we didn't care if it wasn't real.  How we loved this time together and when something came up that prevented us from watching it, we both felt the loss of the time that was ours to share with one another. I recall a night when, by the time we got home, it was too late for the junk food. Lila started to cry because that wasn't how it was done.  We had to eat that food while we caught up with the girls.  I made the pizza, the french fries and the popcorn.

As we 'binged' watched seven years of episodes over the course of a year, we both agreed to never watch it without one another nor would we ever eat salad while watching it (what would Lorelai and Rory think?!?!).  We stuck to these agreements up until the very last episode.

Watching the final episode was bittersweet. We wanted to know how it all ended but what would we do now that our beloved Stars Hollow family were no longer hanging out with us each week?  But more importantly, what about our precious 'mommy/daughter time' what was our 'Girl's Night In'? Well, leave it to my brilliant Lila to figure it out:  we would start watching a new show that caught her fancy: Dr. Who!!!!

Now, every Friday night we are together, we watch the good doctor and Rose (we are still in Season 2 right now) and eat our junk food.  We also talk about the episodes and 'What if this happened in real life? What would we do if _____?'.  More importantly, the unspoken stuff remains:  our love of just being with each other.  This is what this time is really all about.  This is the good stuff.

Actually, in the words of our beloved doctor, it is "FANTASTIC!". Thank you, Doctor.  That is the best medicine.  Ever.

The New "B" Word

My dear pal, Shari, and I talk several times a week whether on the phone or e-mail.  She has been a fabulous 'accountability partner' as I work through my personal journey using The Success Principles. In today's chat on the phone, she made reference to one of my pet peeves:  when people use the word 'busy'.

I call it the new "B" word and it drives me up the wall when I use it and it really ruffles my feathers when someone uses it.

"I'm afraid I can't chat on the phone very long because I am so busy."

"So sorry for not calling you back.  I have been so busy."

"Yeah, I couldn't reply to your email because I am so slammed and busy with all the messages that come into my in box."

You don't say? I mean, I'm sitting here twirling my hair for my morning's activity and then I think I'll take a nap as my afternoon activity, so I suppose I can't really relate to your struggles of living such a busy existence.

Well, newsflash:  All of us live full and somewhat overwhelming lives.  By choice, or by necessity, and it takes time to make time sometimes.

I hope to make the effort to communicate with folks as often as I can before I also find myself apologizing for the delay in getting back to someone.  I am attempting to use methods to balance all the information that comes my way with streamlining my email communications, for instance.  I also note important dates like birthdays and friend's doing job interviews in my planner and send them an email or text.  I prefer to call because it as close to human interaction as I can get living my busy, um, full life.  Sometimes, though, technology can be a friend on those occasions when a phone call is not possible.

I am far from having it all under control.  Ha!  But one of my priorities is to let people know in general - and to also remind the loves in my life - that they matter. Yes, I utter that darn "B" word myself and I am working on different language to stop driving myself nuts over it.  Instead, when our paths cross, you may hear me utter these words:

"I apologize for not calling you back.  I have been overwhelmed and I want you to know that you are important to me. Now, how the heck are you doing, friend? Can we grab a coffee or cocktail this week? I'd love to see you!".

“Most of us spend too much time on what is urgent and not enough time on what is important.” 

― Stephen R. Covey

Why I didn't marry George Clooney

This past week, I couldn't escape the constant barrage of good news (or bad news, depending how you look at it) about George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin's blowout wedding in Venice, Italy that cost $13 million.  Don't even get me started about the money spent on the event - that's likely fodder for another post. I have been thinking about the event more then I likely should, but who can blame me when it is constantly in front of me, right?

But I do admit that this event, which is far from any real life experience I will ever have, did cause me to pause and consider how it fit into the context of my life.  I started thinking about things like: am I really envious about this?  Do I want to get married again? Will I ever get to Venice, Italy again (I visited that magnificent city in 2005)? Did I really want to marry George Clooney?

More importantly, I also asked myself:  who cares about a wedding between two famous people that took place in Italy? Why not think about the great event I am attending this evening that will touch on some of the great stuff going on with regards to humanities in our great state of Oregon? Why not think about the great time I'm having learning from professionals in the media industry all the while I am supporting artists on the "web-a-waves" (I do believe I just made that up on the fly; a new word to describe radio on the internet?)? Why not think about supporting a new friend in her work as a visual artist and taking a Sunday drive with the always delightful, Uncle Liam, to go check out that show near McMinnville?

Why not, indeed.

Yes, this is certainly a moment of perspective for me.  I have a life full of opportunity, abundance, flamboyant extravagance, meaningful relationships and I also have so much to offer many other people in this world.  Granted, I won't be joining George on his romps around Lake Como or his next world premiere of a film he stars in, but I do have a daughter to teach about dreaming big just like her momma does.

So, that's why I didn't marry George Clooney and I am totally okay with that.

We Can't All Be Oprah

We can't all be Oprah and that is just fine.  But it took me forever to get to that point of understanding that we all have our own paths to forge and follow.

If you know about Oprah's background, you know that she really went through all kinds of heck, especially during her younger years.  Somehow, someway she exceeded everyone's expectations and made quite a life for herself in the world of television.

I bring this up because I have taken to watching her weekly series, Super Soul Sunday, and leave the viewing feeling a bit more thoughtful about how to approach my upcoming week.  But I have also felt myself starting to push back a wee bit against the notion that we can simply pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and take on the world, just because we want to.

Most days are good.  Some days, not so much, and no matter how much positive self-talk I recite, I'm still stuck in the muck.  To tell you the truth, it feels awful but familiar and we know how much we all love to stick with what we know.

I've been doing all kinds of reading and research on best ways to navigate major life transitions and have come up with a whole list of great resources to use including approaches from Anthony Robbins. Believe it or not, if I feel like I'm slipping down the slope of Mt. Mucky Despair, I start belting out You Are My Sunshine.  Really. It works for me.  Granted, I haven't done so in a crowded restaurant, but you never know.  It might happen.

So, I know I'm not going to be the next Oprah Winfrey and that is just fine. I'm just going to be the best Dennise M. Kowalczyk I know how to be and that is more then good enough.

Knock, Knock

Who's there?

Opportunity.

Opportunity who?

Exactly.

This past week has been exceptionally good in regards to opportunity knocking on my door.  As a matter of fact, I had an average 9.2 rating of 'good energy' for the week.  Not bad.  Not bad at all.

You might wonder what made it so exceptional.  I had great conversations and connections with all kinds of folks.  It was in those exchanges that I heard opportunity knocking on my door and I decided to invite her in for a coffee.

I suppose my point is, I don't know what the outcomes will be when I put myself out there and 'doing the work' of making sure there is enough space to allow opportunity hang out for awhile, but you never know. 

You have to answer the knock.

I watched this great video produced by the incredible Ms. Marie Forleo (I so covet that woman's hair and charisma) talking with another amazing woman, Dr. Cathy Collautt about navigating unfavorable outcomes.  I applied Dr. Collautt's wisdom immediately and suffered a happiness hangover.  

Well, it was a good day, what can I say?

I love the idea of being right in the moment, moment by moment.  I can't express how tremendously more happy I am now that I take in the moments of my life in spoonfuls of exquisite delight.

The opportunity named Happiness is trolling the neighborhood and she is visiting all of us.  Go ahead. Answer the door.  You never know what might come of it.

 

No, thank you!

I have been out and about quite a bit these days meeting with all kinds of fabulous folks, from both the for profit and the public benefit sectors. These generous individuals are giving me some of their hard pressed time to talk about matters around the opportunities in the community and also share their insights about being part of the overall community. I thank each of them, in person, in email and - wait for it - with a handwritten thank you note.

I can be a bit old school, if you will, about some things around etiquette and the glory of the handwritten letter or note.  I love putting one of my favorite pens to paper and writing a kind word of appreciation about time well spent together, whether it be with a pal or a new professional associate.

I even write letters to pals who live around the country and it is such a treat to receive their responses in the mail, of all things.  I also save those notes I receive in a little book so when I am searching for a bit of boost or want to put a smile on my face, I page through my collection of love notes to add a little sunshine to my gray mood.

Granted, one must purchase the notecards and stamps, plus spend the time to compose a heartfelt message, but what a gesture that is relatively easy to do.  

The four letter word that I don't dare utter these days doesn't start with an "F"; it starts with a "B" as in "busy". All of us are busy and I now make it a point to open up a few moments each day to reach out and say 'thank you'.  I haven't pushed technology totally aside and use emails and text messaging to share a quick 'how are you doing?' or 'You are the cat's pajamas!' message several times a week.  But for some of those occasions, a handwritten note is my preferred method of communication of 'you are the best'.  Here's a great link about suggested modern etiquette when all you want to do is say 'thank you':

www.designsponge.com

If you want to send me a little note in the mail, let me know.  I'm happy to provide my address and do my part to help keep postal workers busy bringing words of gracious gratitude and love to mailboxes worldwide.

Thank you!

Communication Breakdown

Communication.  We wait for the call.  We send out the email. We post a status update. We comment. We tweet. We catch someone's eye from across the room. We write a letter. We send a text.

We are good at it.  We are bad at it.

I finally met the talented, Erin Donley.  We have been 'friends' on Facebook for quite awhile but never had actually met. She has great energy and great ideas when it comes to communication. I attended a recent workshop she hosted about finding your communication blind spots and using better words to communicate. It was illuminating!

One of the things we talked about was the potential of major e-mail meltdowns.  You know how it goes when someone writes something that can be misconstrued about fifteen different ways because we insert tone.

If you have met the sender, you likely 'imagine' them speaking that message to you (well, that's what I do) and depending on how I feel about that person effects how I 'hear' their message. My emotional temperature also effects the way I 'hear' the message. It can be a tricky wicket navigating those unpredictable waters of email communications.

I also get a bit overwhelmed with all the options and all the different opinions on which thing to use and how quickly one must respond to said communication.  Remember the good old days when you either spoke in person, called someone on the landline or wrote them a letter?  Now, we have other options and it gets very confusing.  I suspect there is an app development opportunity out there to help us navigate how to communicate how we like to communicate!

For example, here are my guidelines on using communication technology:

If it is urgent, call me on the phone and send a follow up text if I don't answer your call.
If it is important and is date sensitive, send me an email with that information.
If it is a sticky wicket conversation, talk with me in person.
If it is a message of gratitude, send me a handwritten note.
If it is a random or unimportant message, send me a text.

Some questions to consider:

• What are you preferred methods of communications and the various tools you like to use?  
• How do you feel when you leave home without your phone?
• Do you ever leave home without your phone?
• Do you have your smart phone set up to alert you about everything that is happening in your email, social media and texting activities? 
• What are your expectations around communication technology protocol?

I remember the first time I left my phone at home in error.  I was halfway to my destination when I realized it and I began to panic.  But then I heard the friendly little voice in my head say, "What did you do when you didn't have a cell phone and only had a landline, Dennise?"  Wow.  That was a telling moment.  As you can guess, I survived being cell-free.  By the way, if you are forced to use a rotary phone, here are some handy dandy instructions that will help you.

Now, if I could only learn how to change the settings on my smart phone to eliminate email and social media updates.  If you know how, send me an email.